puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I march to the beat of my own dumb
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*