Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry