I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.