@JumbledButts

*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*

*’Waterworld’ starts playing*

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@TheMichaelRock

Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?

@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@KyleMcDowell86

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

@confusedlush

People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.

@Elizasoul80

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

@nash_official

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.