*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*

*’Waterworld’ starts playing*

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Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?


PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic


[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens


People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.


Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.


doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.