*puts a gun against a magician's back Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!

~me, aggressively handing out cake

Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

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