*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

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My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying


“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza


Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.


Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.


Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.


Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection


Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.


[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house


Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.