My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?!
~me, aggressively handing out cake
Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.