“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
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“Oh god wait.”
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I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
But is it really??
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school