@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

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@meghaffer

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

@BoomBoomBetty

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@RedemptionAJ

Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?

@wildrainbow2

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

@LaLa_Lyds

2020
It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence

@refreshingslurp

Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.