*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.


[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.


Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.


My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.


Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?


Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.


It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence


Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin


Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.