@meghaffer
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
@ThaJawn
*puts a gun against a magician’s back
Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears
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@meghaffer
@BoomBoomBetty
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
@Prof_Peejay
Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.
Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.
@funnweaver
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
@RedemptionAJ
Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@wildrainbow2
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
@ShawnIzadi
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
@LaLa_Lyds
2020
It’s like running into a wide open field, laden with wildflowers, arms wide, happy and free
And then hitting that invisible electric fence
@refreshingslurp
Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets
Him: no seriously where is my insulin
@LurkAtHomeMom
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.