*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Check your privilege
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
How to find Kentucky on a map
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions