*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.