Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not