Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.