*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity