[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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grotesque if literal: baby food
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
This was a bad idea all around
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself