*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.