Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
next question.
