Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.