*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I just ran a .003048K
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.