Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Home is where your toilet is.

me and who

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.