*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.