*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
My brain is a bad influence on me
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet