Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Made something I’m not proud of

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?