Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

A leaf blower, but for people.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

airing out the snack pack

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide