Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

your daddy is a what now?

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”