Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.