Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

sometimes we need to be reminded

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I’d use my best pan on you.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.