*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
You Might Also Like
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!