Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.