*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?