Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough