*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me when I hear gossip
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.