Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles