If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
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teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You’re Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?