*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”