*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
“That’s what” – She
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage