*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
We’ve all been there
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance