*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
You Might Also Like
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
got so much cardio in today
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease