Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

This is the one

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!