Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light