Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

The point of your 20s

Fluff me with a fork baby

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.