Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it