*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Buying a well is money well spent.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Whoa… oh I see lol
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”