Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.