Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength