*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Not today. 😅
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)