*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
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Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?