Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.