[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef