Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.