Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life