*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help