*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
TWEET CALL
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Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.