Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin: