*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
bury ourselves
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
#SaturdayBears
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.