Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.