Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

figuring out my emotional availability:

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Here to help

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.