*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?