*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
the three branches of government
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.