*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You Might Also Like
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets