*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
lol
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..