Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

some cats are just doing for fun!

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

they really do be looking like this

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.