Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

For the baby who has everything

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.