Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Oceanography is all about current events
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
the #horror is real!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I feel it
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.