Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Y’all know who you are.