Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though