Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Florida be like…

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes