@jergarl
@stacieooooo
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
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@stacieooooo
@TheRobCee
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
@scorpicpanda
I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.
@sonictyrant
Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
Store Assistant: can i help you sir?
Me: how much for this disco poncho?
@IntrepidDeviant
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
@CaniacMONK
I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.
@LurkAtHomeMom
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
@weinerdog4life
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
@GingerHotDish
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
@TheBoydP
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…