@jergarl
@prufrockluvsong
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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@prufrockluvsong
@CoreyKeyz
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
@trojansauce
[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
@likeursoperfect
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
@JD_Barney
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
@Darlainky
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
@AnExocticBeach
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
@Mindless4Miles
Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
@LuvPug
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
@ArfMeasures
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up