*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.

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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”


I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?


I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.


My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.


Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen


Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.


To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…