@jergarl

*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.

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@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

@trojansauce

[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@Darlainky

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

@AnExocticBeach

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

@Mindless4Miles

Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

@ArfMeasures

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up