Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.