Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔