Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!