Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.