Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.