Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Always 🥴

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

A Short Story.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?