*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
New comic up. “Ransom”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?