*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
calling in to work dehydrated
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!